I was very close to writing about how fun I am at parties followed by using the word "holocaust" three times ~ so instead I am deciding to talk about the flu.
Yes, I spent part of the month nearly catatonic on a couch waiting to barf in my lap. A part of me did die, and a part of me did become a nancy drew novel, retracing my steps to figure out who to blame...the person next to me on the airplane ? the poisonous taco ? the communal lotion tester I slathered all over my face in the bodycare aisle at the whole foods...?
And while I wish that everything wrong with me is from something "out there" somewhere...no matter how much the external world fails me ~ I am only left with one option... to blame it on the lotion at whole foods.
errr no, I mean...to take responsibility for it...myself? Yes.
"Not environment; not heredity; but personal response is the final determining factor in our lives." -Martin Luther King, Jr
Can healing be so extreme, slow and painful, that we build entire careers, families and favorite restaurants to avoid it? Or, can we get so trapped in trying to fix it we actually distract ourselves by how good we are getting at yoga? As I nervously reach to check my phone for no reason at all, I'll say yes.
And so it happens, we think we are free and then the model that we have for life is suddenly not true. We become that clinging cat "hanging in there" from a branch, except that the actual clinging is what's making us suffer the most. And so the task then becomes how quick we can take accountability to let go of who we used to be and surrender to who you are now.
It is said that a frog put in a boiling pot of water will jump out right away. But a frog put in a cold pot of water that slowly heats, will boil to death ~ and right now we are feeling pretty warm ~
As Saturn caught up to the lord of the underworld, Pluto this month ~ so did the heat of our outdated fears...and in this way, the potential for our greatest triumphs. So if you feel like barfing at your desk, on the bus, in the shopping mall fountain ~ slow down, let catharsis happen ~ it's only the fullness of life penetrating you, ready to jump into who you are now.