AMBIGUOUS CARCASS

OCTOBER 2019

As a ninth generation cortisol-fueled screech owl, I have virtuosic abilities for insomnia. Yes, you can consider me a toss and turn expert...and if you see me clanking around like a skeleton wearing a top hat, singing "la la la la" it’s only to drown out the heavy metal screaming.

It's true, a lack of shut eye is not sexy ~ and believe it or not, I have tried melatonin... every branch of yoga, flavor of dorito...witchcraft, whipping my phone over a bridge, CBD, psychedelics, mountain climbing, chakra dumping, DMT from a toad, etc etc, I've tried everything except well, the thing that works ~ which, I am hoping isn't a Xylazine horse tranquilizer.

..but, why not pharmaceuticals?? Is the question my primary care doctor says in the 3 minute appointment allotted to my lifetime of suffering. And I say, because I'm still figuring it out. YOU KNOW...my psyche...the via negativa of the mystic, burning herself alive to find the essential self (which most certainly for me is a lesbian nun trapped in a cloister walk).

I know spiritual masochism may not be an option for everyone, but whatever method you use to not eat raw cookie dough everyday is fine with me -- this luminous thing called self regulation is hard. Though, I think it's okay to fall apart completely, over and over, for different reasons ~ because sometimes you have to become slop in order to spot the bullshit you thought you wanted from life but was actually a commercial playing in the background during dinner when you were twelve...

And as far as my trial by fire, I think we can all agree that the real issue here is that a chamomile cocktail cannot compensate for irrational thinking...
"and what if I didn't sleep tonight..."
"I have forgotten how to sleep"
"do I really have to send my friends this astrology newsletter."
emanating from the micro-thought enclaves of my brain

It seems we all have a reptile side-winding for survival in our head, often conjuring biased perceptions about our lives into something more dangerous than they actually are. Similar to the ancient parable about a monk who runs into a snake and freaks out. The monk assumes the snake is venomous and vows never to go out walking again ~ then he realizes that what he is seeing is not a snake, but a stick.

What if every thought that made you feel awful was just a stick? What if actually, you don't have to suffer?

In this case, if your thoughts are picking at the ambiguous carcass of your fears, take a closer look ~ see what dead animal is so obsessively alluring and bravely decide on a more satisfying meal. If what you find limping in the road is too terrifying to admit, you're not alone, better yet, you are continuous with the rest of creation...AND.. the astrology this month.

Mercury, the planet that rules language and communication, is getting ready to retrograde through Scorpio, the sign of psychological extremes. A ripe time to recognize the stinging power of thoughts and words ~ from Oct 31-Nov 20, prepare to face a depth of thinking and conversation that may be uncomfortable because it's so ruthlessly true.

This month we honestly confront what our mind is running from (or compulsively clinging to) and expose our deepest fears for what they really are ~ a big fat lie. No matter how dangerous that cluster of neurons may be...the powers of the soul only seek your liberation, remembering how once you could fall asleep anywhere, so easily.